My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
