This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
