got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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