1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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