Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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