my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i drank out of a bidet.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
