Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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