I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
