And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
