Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
