I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
