I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Drunk is a universal language darling
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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