Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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