I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
