Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
