I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
