Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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