Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
