Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
