Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
