1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
