i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
