u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
