also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
In America we eat man semen.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
