It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
