I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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