May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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