he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
