I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
