Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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