So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
