so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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