The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this boner is exhausting
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
