i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
