When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
