I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
