wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You ate ashes out of my bong
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
