My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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