I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
