My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Farmville is her only friend.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
