we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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