He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
