I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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