She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
In other news, I just burned my penis
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
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