I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
