even my farts smell like vagina
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
