you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
