I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
