i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
