apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
