Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
